I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
