he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
