apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
tell me about the fingering
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
