Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
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I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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