you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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