My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
