Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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