Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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