"it" just moved
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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