I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
