Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
