all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
