we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
