just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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