i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
