mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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