Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
