so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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