isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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