...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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