Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
