She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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