do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
