We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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