How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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