Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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