I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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