She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
