just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
