Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
