her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
