I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
