Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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