Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
