i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
farters have to be the big spoon...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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