A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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