You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
