Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
