I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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