Jerry, you need to find god
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
