i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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