I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Randomize
