oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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