Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
