if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
