4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
