so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
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i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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