So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
