i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
