wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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