I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
