Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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