Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
