I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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