Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
