I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
