Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
