just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Pants are for mortals
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize