There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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